


The Only Way To Go Is Up

by Indig0



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts, future chapters will be a little less sad, just really sad stuff all around, taako is just in a bad place here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-08 08:04:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11642379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Indig0/pseuds/Indig0
Summary: At the point when he joins up with Magnus and Merle, Taako's life could not possibly get any worse.  And after all that's happened, he's not expecting things to improve, if he's being honest.  Might as well try one last time, though.





	1. Chapter 1

The elf slumped in the corner of the dim, seedy bar could never be recognized as Taako from TV. He was barely even recognizable as an elf, and to call him a high elf would have shamed all those sanctimonious bastards. How long ago had that even been, that time at Glamour Springs? Six months? A year? Three years? No, not that long. Anyway, he was long past the point of flinching when he thought about it. He just didn’t have the energy anymore.

His last meal had been a long time ago. Just something simple and unmemorable. Maybe he found it in an alley. He didn’t think about food the same way anymore. He just ate because he had to. Even that time had passed now: The money had run out, the food was gone, he couldn’t get anyone to pay for – well, he could probably still find the right person for that sort of thing. But he didn’t have the strength for that anymore. At this point, he had to find a way to make some actual money and get into a livable situation, or he was going to die, that was it. He couldn’t live like this anymore. But he didn’t want to die (though he wasn’t sure why not – what was there to live for?). Not yet, anyway. He’d try one more time, and if it went sour… well… maybe that’d be the sign he’d been looking for that this miserable stink-life just wasn’t worth it.

So yeah, there had been an ad on Fantasy Craigslist. Two dudes looking for a wizard. Taako knew a handful of spells. Magic was 99% presentation, right? And he had that. No sweat.

He realized his eyes had closed at some point, and his head jerked up and shook hard. That made him dizzy, and he gripped the chair, panting for a moment. Okay, no more of that. Hopefully these thugs would show up soon and he could get some food and rest. That’s probably all it was, he probably wasn’t sick. Didn’t have money for booze or drugs anymore, couldn’t be that. He adjusted the hat he’d stolen. He’d sold all his better clothes long ago, and if he was gonna make this his last chance, he was gonna do it right. Had to look the part. Found some stupid wizard and took all his clothes when he was drunk. They didn’t fit great, but it could be worse. Back in the day, he wouldn’t be caught dead in a nerdy getup like this. Back in the day it would’ve been painful just to put it on, much less be seen in it. But, you know, desperate times and all that, and he just honestly couldn’t bring himself to care about anything. Anything.

Eyes had closed again, and he forced them back open. He didn’t even know who he was looking for. Not even how many. He should have asked, he would have if he’d been sharper. They’d be adventurers, so… they could look like anything. Damn.

Luckily, a human and a dwarf shuffled in the door before long, and looked around like they were expecting someone. That must be them. Hopefully. The human was huge, and had the biggest muscles Taako had ever seen. He had a scar over one eye, and some pretty impressive sideburns. He was smiling like an idiot.

The dwarf didn’t seem as cheerful. He was short and wide, an older dwarf from what Taako could see (and his vision was a little blurry at the moment). Some crap in his beard, probably food that spilled there. Taako’s stomach growled loudly, just as the two spotted him in the corner.

“Hail, and well-met!” the human boomed, striding over and reaching down to grab one of Taako’s hands and shake it vigorously. The former chef fell back in his chair when the man let go, reeling.

“Whew! Quite a handshake, my… my dude. You posted the ad, I guess?” He felt like he was going to throw up. Luckily there was nothing in his stomach.

“Sure did! I’m Magnus Burnsides. This is Merle Highchurch.”

“…And you are?” the dwarf asked suspiciously.

Taako had planned this, he had a fake name to give them. But his mind was fuzzy and exhausted, and his stomach was taking up a lot of his attention right now, so he croaked out, “I’m Taako!”

Merle snickered, and Magnus grinned. “Cool! So you’re a wizard?”

“What do you think the hat means, homie?” He flicked the brim of the hat he’d stolen, smirking. Magnus laughed, but Merle frowned deeper.

“So, uh… Taako… what’s your school of magic?”

“Uh – Evocation.” That sounded impressive. “I like the big shit.”

“Neat!” Magnus said happily. “I’m a fighter.”

“No shit. What’s stumpy over here?”

“A cleric,” Merle fumed.

“Gotcha. So… so how much am I getting paid for this… this thing here, this thing we’re… doing?” His stomach hurt so much, he wanted to curl up forever. It growled loudly again.

“Hungry?” Magnus grinned. “Let’s get some food, we can talk details. All I know is it’s supposed to be the last job we’ll ever need to take.” He wandered off to the bar to order something. Merle was staring hard at Taako, and Taako’s unfocused gaze went a bit over his head.

“Last job ever,” he mumbled. That sure was the truth.

“You been licking toads or something, son?” the dwarf asked.

“Nope! Totally clean. Just a… just a simple, idiot wizard.” It was so hard to focus. Was the human going to bring back food? Was he going to give any to Taako? Taako wasn’t sure he could make it that long. He was pretty sure that if food wasn’t on its way, though, that he would definitely pass out in the next ten minutes.

Magnus came back with a round of weak ale, but it hit Taako hard and it felt great. By the time a huge platter of food appeared on the table, his stomach felt sour and twisty, but at least he was more relaxed. He dug in ravenously. Merle grumbled something about his appetite, and he didn’t even care. Magnus just laughed and ordered more. He told Taako a lot while they ate, but honestly, the wizard missed most of it in his haze of hunger, then satiety, and the ever-present, bone-deep exhaustion. Right now, he had food. Soon, he’d have money. An escort mission, it sounded easy. Then he… then he could… something.

“Real light-weight, isn’t he?” Magnus asked Merle, as their companion nodded into his empty dishes and began to snore softly.

“Might be. This idiot let himself get in pretty bad shape one way or another, though.”

“He gonna be okay, do you think?”

“Maybe if he starts taking care of himself,” the dwarf muttered. “He’s awfully dumb, though. I don’t think he could find his own ass if you gave him a map.”

“We can help out with that.”

“I’m not here to babysit a moron, I’m here to do a job.”

“Yeah, but he’ll make it worth it! He’s a wizard, he’ll do all kinds of cool stuff! Super useful. It’s not us two taking care of him, it’s… all three of us helping each other.”

“Well isn’t that just the sappiest thing I’ve ever heard…”

“I know, I know. But look, I can pick up his slack, I don’t mind. I’m a beefy guy! You won’t even have to do anything, I’ll take care of him.”

Merle frowned up at the man in concern. “He’s not a dog, Magnus.”

“Ohhhhh, if we find a dog, I’m SO keeping it!”

“What I’m saying is that he’s… he’s an adult elf, Magnus. He’s gotta be able to take care of himself on his own or he’s a liability.”

“Nobody can make it completely alone, Merle.”

Merle squinted up at Magnus, whose face had gone expressionless. The dwarf hesitated.

“You can’t save everybody,” he finally said, more gently.

“I know that. I know. But… we’re teammates now. Teammates help each other. And… that’s just how it’s gonna be.”

“Okay!” Merle threw up his hands in defeat. “Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Nah, I wouldn’t say that, Merle! And just wait, I bet we’ll be best friends soon, all three of us!”

“I doubt it.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are definitely getting better.

Even though Taako couldn’t bounce right back from his fuzzy, near-death state like he used to when he was little, things weren’t so bad. Being a simple idiot wizard had its perks, it turned out. When he stumbled or hesitated, Merle or Magnus would hang back and give him soft encouragement, offering a hand to hold. The snide voice in the back of his mind told him there would be expectations if he gave in to that, and that he was letting them see his vulnerability. That was true, and it was scary, but… but it was kind of nice, too. He didn’t really need them, not anymore. After a few sleeps and meals, he could have gone on his way and lived a little longer. Hell, he could probably take them on in a fight! At least long enough to run away! He was getting better at magic, and that kind of power was intoxicating.

The voice also reminded him that this was undignified, and just plain annoying. He didn’t care about dignity, hadn’t in years, but he knew how annoying it would be to have to put up with someone acting as dumb as he was. He certainly wouldn’t have that kind of patience.

As time went on, though (and not much time, but still), they didn’t get mad. In fact, their snippiness with him faded away altogether, and it was all gentle reminders, softly urging him on, waiting until he showed he was comfortable in a situation, staying with him until he was ready to move past whatever lay in front of them.

He didn’t rely on the other two. He didn’t ask anything of them, or expect anything. All that coaxing him along and playing nice with him was because they needed his magic, obviously. 

And then they found themselves fighting Magic Brian. 

He was kind of charming, actually. More of a sense of style than anyone else they’d run into, and Taako appreciated that. And even though he was definitely trying to kill them, his voice remained light and airy and friendly. That was both comforting and far more frightening than being yelled at. His spells were way stronger than Taako’s, of course, and even though he was clearly the enemy here, Taako still felt a stab of panic through his heart. His Magic Missile spell was so much better than Taako’s, even an amateur could see that Taako was a fraud, a novice compared to the Black Spider. The other two weren’t exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer, but now that they’d seen a real wizard, they’d be sure to start looking for a better one, or at least criticizing Taako’s performance.

They didn’t, though. He couldn’t understand why they didn’t. Even when he got knocked down, and woke up to Magnus carefully pouring a healing potion betwixt his lips, leaning over him anxiously.

“You okay, buddy?” the big man asked.

Taako stared at him, uncomprehending. Then he popped up faster than he should have, ignoring the slight dizziness. “Yep, just fine. Never better, my dude!”

Magnus grinned and gave him a thumbs up and his stomach tightened. Nobody was going to take his job, nobody was going to take him or his team down, no charming spider drow, nobody.

“ABRA-KA-FUCK-YOU!”

Taako watched his teammates even closer after that, especially Magnus. Waiting to see what his ulterior motive was. The thing was, he didn’t seem to have one. Magnus loved fighting, but didn’t seem to want to hurt anyone, not really. He rushed into everything. He was good-natured, happy to talk or to listen. He… wanted to protect others. Anyone who couldn’t protect themselves, and that’s how he saw Taako, even when the wizard was blasting thugs away left and right.

Merle was a weird cleric. He didn’t seem overly interested in healing, or in religion. Honestly, he didn’t seem very good at either when he tried. And unlike Magnus, he was sharp and suspicious. At first he eyed Taako when he thought the elf wasn’t looking, but he’d stopped that, probably content to believe that the wizard was too stupid to worry about. But anyone else they ran into got the full force of Merle’s craggy glare. He wasn’t protective like Magnus, but he had his own way of defending the group.

(For the record, Taako definitely could protect himself, thank you very much. But if these thugs saw him as an idiot who couldn’t find his way out of a jizz cave, he wouldn’t have to try as hard. …And when they did turn on him, they wouldn’t think they had to hide it, and wouldn’t try as hard either. Better to act like a fool.)

This was a pretty sweet gig, all in all. Nice and easy. Life was okay.

But speaking of sweet gigs, the whole Bureau of Balance deal sounded pretty kickass. All kinds of weird shit going on, no question about that, but they paid well, and free room and board. Well, a bed in a dorm with the two dipshits and some rando, but still. It was a little too soon to get picky about sleeping arrangements. His taste for good food was coming back too, and the cafeteria wasn’t stellar… sometimes he found his fingers twitching when he saw the pots and pans hanging back in the kitchen. Definitely a bad idea. Best not to look at them at all. All those people…

First there was some crummy initiation test, though, and while he could obviously think circles around Doofus and Dumber, he obviously wasn’t going to let on. Fine by Taako. The Director, though, she was a sharp one. That comment that he shouldn’t sell himself short… well, he’d have to be careful around her. She had some massive powers, between… whatever she had herself, and that staff, any novice could tell that was something big. Knocked all three of them right out.

And then, wouldn’t you know it, they were stuck in some twisted test, and he was locked in an arena with three ogres. Should’ve been Magnus, should’ve said Magnus was the bravest, he could stand up to that kind of shit, Taako wasn’t built to be slapped around by ogres. His wand certainly couldn’t withstand having an elf fall on it (cheap piece of crap). Fine, that was fine.

Then apparently Magnus stopped doing his one simple job that a brain-damaged goblin could’ve figured out, and a jolt of electricity went through Taako, paralyzing him completely. So this was clearly the end. The end of Taako, just being beaten to death by an enraged ogre on the moon. Great.

Broken glass rained down suddenly, and Magnus crashed in to attack the ogre that was looking at Taako. Taako watched – it was all he could do, really – in horror and amazement. Magnus looked bad at this point, should’ve been running off to protect himself. Had he ever protected himself? Not really, to Taako’s memory. He was always looking out for Taako and Merle. So when Taako found he could move again, he pulled out the Umbrastaff and finished off the final ogre before it could do the same to either of them.

“You were pretty awesome in the arena today!” Magnus commented as they headed back to their room after meeting with the Director. “Thanks for finishing that guy off!”

“Yeah, that’s how we do. Looked like you were about to fall over, my dude.”

“Nah, I was fine, I can take it.”

“Are you stupid, or do you like getting hurt?”

“…What?” Magnus stopped and turned to him, and he quickly let his eyes grow distant and stared off to the side.

“You heard me, homie.”

Magnus laughed. “Nah, I’m – okay, maybe I’m not the smartest guy, but I’m just doing my job, you know? Helping out. Keeping you guys safe.”

“Okay, but… why?”

“Well, because… I can! Because we’re a team!”

“Listen, we’re three guys who took a job together, and now that job’s done. This deal’s completely different. You could leave any time. So could I. So could Flower-Beard. We’re not a team, we’re just… just three guys.”

“We don’t have to be,” Magnus said, a little quieter. “We can keep being a team. I mean, we work pretty well together. We’ve all got our own thing we do, we can all watch each other’s backs… And – and it sounds like the Director wants us to work together anyway!”

“Where’d you get that idea?”

“Well, she was talking to all of us together, right? And we’re all living together.”

“We got our plus one, too. Think she’ll stick him in with us for missions or whatever?”

“Robbie? I dunno, but – why don’t you wanna be a team anymore?” He stared at Taako with those big puppy eyes. Taako sighed and covered his face.

“Listen. What you’re doing here? Being all clingy and throwing yourself around to protect people? You’re gonna die, homie. It’s – you’re literally going to kill yourself.”

“Nah. I’ll be fine!” His grin wasn’t as easygoing as it usually was. There was a distant look in his eye, a weird forceful edge to his voice. They stared at each other for longer than was comfortable.

“Fine, you do you, my man,” the wizard said airily, waving his hand vaguely. “But ya know, I’m thinking of getting into Transmutation magic. That means no more spell shaping. So if I’m blasting some ugly thug and you’re up in there, you get blasted too.”

Magnus stared him down, frowning. Taako grinned back lazily.

“Just sayin’, homie, you want this to be a team thing, that’s not how you do it.”

A smile slowly dawned over Magnus’s face. “…So we are still a team!”

Taako crossed his eyes at Magnus and swayed around him, bobbing his head back and forth as he walked down the hall. “Don’t know what you’re talking about. You talkin’ to me? Shouldn’t you be talking to dwarf-man about this?”

“Oh, he already knows! He didn’t argue too much – well, he argued a little. You know how Merle is. But he’s one of us, too.”

“If you say so, compadre. Hey, think he’ll ever get the cleric shit right?”

Magnus’s body stilled, and he stared hard at Taako. “Don’t… don’t ever say something like that in front of him,” he said quietly.

“What, you think he doesn’t know? C’mon, big man, he can take as much as he dishes out.”

“No, it – just don’t. Give him a break, okay?”

Taako eyed him for a moment, then shrugged, turning away. “Whatever you say.”

Talking to Magnus probably wasn’t a big deal. He honestly didn’t think the big oaf was smart enough or sneaky enough to go blabbing to anyone else about how Taako didn’t always sound like a complete buffoon. Merle, on the other hand, was sharp and crafty, and in general Taako tried to avoid being alone in a room with him. Magnus acted as a buffer between the two, deflecting especially pointed questions, changing the subject when things got tense. It was completely accidental when Taako went into their room after a day of chilling and combining spell components, and turned to find Merle in the doorway. Robbie had given Magnus a potion of his, and he’d last seen the fighter sprawled out on the lush grass between domes, mumbling to himself about dogs. It was tempting, and Taako spent more time than he was comfortable admitting thinking about how much he’d like to have a potion like that now and then. Just one, even. He – it felt like he hadn’t relaxed in years, and it would just be so nice to be able to let go for a while. His fingers itched just thinking about it. Luckily, there was usually someone else in the room, and he wasn’t about to ask for or admit to anything.

Unfortunately, just now, that someone else was Merle Highchurch, blocking the way out.

“Uh, ‘scuse me, dwarf-guy, got places to be.”

“That can wait. Magnus tells me you’re thinking about going solo.”

“Um, what?” It took a second to compose himself and bring out his brightest smile and vaguest voice. “I saw Magnus out in the quad, muttering about… about doggies.”

“You know what I mean. Before.”

“Before? Long, long ago?” Taako made a mental note never to talk to Magnus again.

“Sure, long long ago. What’s your deal, I figured you had a good thing going here. What, not enough cookies after dinner?”

“Mmmmmmm, cookies.” The cafeteria’s cookies were heinous, by the way, and should only be served to war criminals.

“Look at me.” The dwarf was a mixture of gentleness and frustration. “You know I wasn’t sure at first, but you did a real good job back there in Wave Echo Cave. And with those ogres.”

“They were scary!” Taako interjected, staring back at Merle with wide eyes.

“Ah – they sure were, and you were so brave. You did a good job. And it’s pretty nice here, right? People are – are people being nice to you here?”

“Oh yes, everybody’s nice.” It was true, for the most part. Actually, he couldn’t think of anyone who’d been a complete jerk.

“So you wouldn’t want to leave, would you? We’re a team, you and me and Magnus. We’re buddies!”

Taako paused, staring blankly at Merle. “All a team?”

“That’s right! All of us are a team, we take care of each other. We’ll take care of you, Taako.”

The dwarf’s bright hazel eyes did look incredibly sincere. Taako couldn’t tell if he really bought into the ‘idiot wizard’ thing, but he was sure playing along anyway. “You’ll take care of me?” he whispered in a small, quavering voice.

Merle slapped his arm gently. “Of course we’ll take care of you! You’re our bud!”

Taako went for the dumbest grin he could muster. “And I’ll take care of you, bud!”

Merle grinned back, though his eyes looked slightly nervous. “Good! Good, so we’ll all stay here, because they pay’s good and the digs are okay, and people are nice, right?”

“Very nice! I have to go now, very important things to do.” The wizard ducked around Merle and hurried to the elevator, where he mashed the button to close the doors before Merle could follow him. When he was alone, he breathed a sigh of relief. Safe, for now. And as ridiculous and condescending as Merle was, he had a point. They had a pretty good life here, no need to leave just yet.


	3. Chapter 3

Taako was getting a little tired of playing dumb by the time they were sent to Rockport. Sure, it was safer. Sure, it had plenty of perks. But being treated like a moron really wasn’t his cup of tea, and Merle was gradually getting more and more condescending. It was starting to cramp Taako’s style. It was getting harder and harder to wander through life with a vacant look on his face, especially when Merle was directing helpful townspeople to step in front of the train under the influence of his charm spell. Not Tom Bodett. Not okay.

So maybe he didn’t have to be such an ass to Wankins. Jenkins. Whatever. Why – why even be a wizard if you’re gonna carry heavy shit around? Literally, what is the point? That’s why Taako got into magic in the first place – that, and because it was fucking awesome. Call yourself a wizard, and then do all the heavy lifting the hard way? The guy was definitely a shitty wizard.

Juicy wasn’t much better, honestly. He had the talent to be a wizard (okay, probably not a good wizard, but still), and he wanted to work on a train? Jenkins was who he aspired to be!? This whole excursion was ridiculous. Taako had spent a bit of time hopping on and off trains as a younger elf, and he didn’t see the appeal, but apparently there was a whole world of train culture out there. If he ever encountered more of it in the future he’d be sure to walk the other way, because he could not imagine anything more boring.

No, the one to keep an eye on here was the little boy. He was so proud of himself, and did actually seem pretty bright. Merle – did Merle actually want to kill this kid? If he turned out to be evil and they couldn’t snap him out of the thrall, then sure, cross that bridge when they came to it, but for the time being he was just a fragile little human, too smart for his own good. …Also a complete nerd. There was something going on on this train, and Angus McDonald seemed to have a pretty good idea what was up.

And he was the only one who did – the two morons certainly didn’t have a clue. Juicy was even worse, and if the dwarf wrestler (with the super suspicious name) knew anything, she wasn’t talking.

They talked to everybody a few times, went in Jenkins’s Pleasure Chamber (not as weird as it sounded), and got serious with Angus. He was an okay kid, really.

Then Jenkins turned up beheaded and behanded, and everything went to shit.

Was it Jenkins, though? Like, really? Who could tell, without head or hands? It’s not like anyone else on the train knew him well enough to identify a weird mole or tattoo or something. And of course some crab-thing showed up that we had to take out. And actually, they worked together like a well-oiled machine. Merle even managed to do some healing. It felt fantastic, actually. Like, maybe Taako would be better-off showing these weirdos what he really knew.

But anyway, when the crab died and the investigation continued, Magnus… well, Magnus tried his best, but rushing in wasn’t always the best way to handle things. This required a soft touch and a sharp mind.

Might as well be Taako’s time to shine.

The wizard made sure they had all their details straight, got what he could out of Juicy Wizard Graham with Magnus’s help, checked in with the engineer, let Magnus argue with Jess the Beheader, all that shit… And things began to fall into place. Taako glanced around, and everyone else still looked puzzled, except Angus, who caught his eye.

“…So this is interesting,” Taako began, and lay out for the others what he knew, what he could piece together, and what must be true. Of course Jenkins did it, he’d been murdering people for a while now. Of course he’d cut the engineer’s hands and head off, especially with so many people onboard who might be onto him: Angus, and the whole Leeman Kessler crew. Of course he was in the real cargo car, while he kept a Pleasure Chamber version of it open to anyone nosy enough to go looking. And he was gratified, though not surprised, to discover that he was exactly right. Despite Angus’s warnings, Jenkins was exactly the shitty wizard Taako had him pegged to be. The meat monsters he made turned on him, and he just gave up after it was clear he couldn’t win. Probably didn’t have enough spell slots.

Magnus had full faith that Taako could figure out how to stop the train. More faith than Taako had in his own ability, in fact. But yeah, now that the wheels were turning, his ingenuity didn’t let him down. Get into the engineer’s cabin (snagging the loot on the way), get everybody else off the train, and open a port to that greenhouse. Train goes in, no harm done, no lives lost. Easy. And everyone was impressed, as they should be.

Taako expected the ride back to the Bureau to be weird. He couldn’t go back to being a simple idiot wizard, not in front of these two.

“That was some really amazing magic, Taako,” Magnus spoke up as the bubble rose into the air. “And you’d never done that spell before?”

“Nope!”

“Yeah, not bad,” Merle said vaguely.

They all sat in thoughtful silence for a while as the scenery zoomed past below.

“…Gonna keep up the moron act when we get back?”

Taako froze, not turning to meet Merle’s gaze, which he knew would be steely and demanding.

“…Gonna keep opening my pudding cups for me?” he shot back flippantly.

“If you can figure out a murder, and magic a train into a greenhouse all in one day, I think you can manage your own damn pudding cups.”

“Hmm…” Taako examined his nails, which were flawless as usual. “Probably not worth it, then.”

Magnus laughed and slapped Taako’s shoulder, knocking the wizard forward in his seat as they landed. He leaned down and whispered, “I’ll still open your pudding!”

Taako glanced over and smiled briefly at his friend. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Time to start keeping his pudding somewhere more easily accessible...


End file.
